U WANT TO KNOW SOME THINGS BOUT MY LIFE? THOUGHT SO - Friends

U WANT TO KNOW SOME THINGS BOUT MY LIFE? THOUGHT SO

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MENTAL EXHAUSTION

I think I'm still exhausted.:| I seriously am. I badly need a break for my mental health, but - I know - today's just not the time yet. I still have so many things to do. I have to wait until at least this research thing is done.
Or maybe, after December 6. Then I can breathe far more freely after that.:P
Or better yet, after December 19. That's the end of this term.*big evil grin* Then I'll have a long, year-end break until January 12. It's enough time to write what I really want, right?
Nezzie's leaving this Friday. Jules has been thinking about all of us colleagues giving her a farewell gift. Lisa's agreed too. Maybe a big bag will suit her need for her new job. Maybe.
Last night, Sika asked me to accompany her after our classes finished at nine. She needed to clear up some space on her desk. She was seriously worried about leaving the office alone. No, not just worried. She was scared. As Indonesian women, we're both well-aware of what's possibly coming next after the damn Stupid Bill (UU APP) being passed.*rolls eyes*
And I must remind myself over and over again that Ciputat is actually the corner of...Tangerang.:| I can never forget what happened to that pregnant lady two years ago, and all the shit the local court had put her through over their stupid, prejudiced bylaws over women at night. I hate them for what they're doing now. I hate them for making things worse. I hate them for being such hypocrites for more money in their personal pockets. Mark my words.
May AMINEF accept my scholarship application. I don't care if all of you who read this think I'm obsessed with it. Trust me, nobody wants to live under any kind of silent terror - like this...

The Author

Posted: 07:55, 2008-Nov-19 by the_narrator

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HEY, I'M BACK!:P

For the past week, I've been busier than usual. Why? I've been working on an action research called "The Effectiveness in Storytelling in The Classroom." What for? The teachers' workshop on December 6. Why do I want to do this? Well, to be honest with you, I actually don't.:| But please, don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like doing all this. In fact, I love stories. I don't mind searching for suitable tales and then reading them to kids.:) The only problem I've been having is to find the right teaching aids/tools/whatever. Too bad they don't pay me more for this...:P

Oh, well.*sighs* They told me to look at it from the much brighter perspective. Experience. Yes. And I can use the later certificate for my next job resume, perhaps.:P

That's why I'm giving this a first shot. But next time, they'll have to assign someone else. I've got lots of stuff to do too.:P

Nezzie's leaving soon - this week.:( She's got a new job at a PR Company in Sudirman, Central Jakarta. I'm going to miss her. But she said we'd hang out again in the weekends.:) Besides, she lives in Bintaro, South Jakarta - quite close from where I live. So, I don't miss her that much, I guess. Hehe.*big evil grin*

I still think about Nick sometimes. The last time he and I chatted online, he called me: "My friend." That was a clear statement I had to agree with. He was right, and still is. Maybe it's just for the better. None of us were actually ready for anything more than that. Once again, look on the bright side. At least we're still talking as friends.:)

And I forever thank God for that.:)

But I still care for him anyway. I pray that someday soon, he'll get all the true happiness he really needs and deserves. I also hope that he won't have to be in too much pain anymore.:|

Then what about Tiger? Last Tuesday night, we talked again.:D It felt so good just hearing his voice again, after a long, long time. It always felt like those good old times too. Have my real feelings for him ever really changed? I don't know.*shrugs* Maybe, somehow - it's always been the same, hardly disturbed by time and space and everything that may have come in between. Is there any logical explanation for this? I wish. All I know, I've always felt safe with him. I can be who I am. I know that I've been having serious trust issues with guys and also - these days - huge grudges over all those sexist pigs have put girls through (especially with The Stupid Bill - UU APP - again!:x) I know that these days, my problems are getting worse. Again, like two years ago, I'm like a ticking time bomb - waiting to explode...

But with Tiger, I don't have to be afraid. It's like he just knows how to vanish all my pent-up anger and then simply make me smile and laugh. Talking to him always makes me feel this happy...

...........................

Okay, let's not overly speculate things.*big evil grin* Let's just focus on me these days. That's important too, hehe.*giggles*

(You know what I mean, Tiger.)

Well, I hope AMINEF will accept me, because I need to get the hell away from The Stupid Bill.:( I refuse to obey those hypocrites. Hell, I don't want to have to deal with their shitload of lies!

Btw, my weekend was fun.:) I went to see a movie with Fitri last Saturday. It was a Spanish sci-fi with dark humour called "TimeCrimes" (with the English subtitles, though :P). We watched it at Blitz. Then we hopped to Senayan City to meet up with my friends Patrick, Mary Jo, Andy, and Hardi. It's been a very long time since the last time I hung out with them.:D I also haven't laughed like that in a long time. Patrick was so funny.*giggles*

Btw, he smokes now. Duh...:P

Last Sunday, I'd planned to visit The Book Fair in JCC- Senayan, but I ended up blacking out and sleeping all day long.

I must've been really exhausted.:|

The Author

Posted: 09:41, 2008-Nov-18 by the_narrator

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THE RAIN

I guess I must thank God that I decided not to go to HI's circle last night. Why? It was raining cats and dogs - all the way from my favourite netbar to home. By the time I got home, I was soaked and wet. Mom freaked out and told me to change immediately before I caught a cold or something. Indeed, it was pretty chilly. I was shivering.
Well, but at least there's a great thing about the rain these days. First, the weather becomes cooler, much friendlier than sometime in the middle of this year before. (Well, even if it means you have to stay indoors for the sake of your good health.:P) I love the rain.:) There's something magical about it, I think. It can describe all my emotions. (Confused?:P Hehe, me too. I don't even know why I'm writing this today.*shrugs*)
And what I've been feeling these days? I don't knoe.*shrugs* Maybe you can guess:

"I've been walking in the footsteps
of society's lies
I don't like what I see no more
Sometimes I wish that I was blind
Sometimes I wait forever to stand out in the rain
So no one'll see me cry, trying to wash away this pain..."

I guess I'll always have to watch my back for the rest of my lives, eh?*sneers* True justice only belongs to God, not mortals...

The Author

Posted: 01:38, 2008-Nov-9 by the_narrator

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DROWNING...:P

Okay, I think I'll need more coffee. Seriously. I've been juggling quite a lot of things lately. Sleep is my freedom and good escape, but sometimes I feel tad guilty doing that.:| Maybe it's - once again - my lousy time management.*blushes*
But somehow, I don't want to give up my regular hobbies.:P Reading and writing (anything that's not work-related.:P) What do you think of my last entry here?*big evil grin* I sent that to The Jakarta Post, just in case they might need more for their "Opinion" page. Maybe, just maybe - my heavy sarcasm will hit them right between their eyes. Maybe there'll be miracle that can wipe up The Stupid Bill (UU APP) away from this country.
Hmm, let's see.*sighs* What must I do these days?

1.Completing the lesson plans, checking the students' tests and homework (of course, unless if it's term break.:P)
2.Finishing the research paper for the next teachers' workshop conference on December 6 (yes, they've appointed me since months ago, but I kept putting it off.*gulps* Okay, no more slacking around.)
3.FCE class every Wednesday morning at nine. (Thank God I've just finished the homework.:P)
4.Private tutoring for my sister's boss every Saturday morning - for extra cash, of course.:P
5.Translating the script (again, I've kept putting it off for months.*blushes*)
6.Maintaining my hobbies and social life for the sake of my sanity.:P

But I guess, I won't be attending "The Mourning Night for The Stupid Bill(UU APP)" at the HI circle, Central Jakarta at seven.:( Hani texted me that yesterday and I'm sure there'll be many people - especially from the NGOs and other independent organizations for women's welfare - but sadly, I don't think I have the time and energy again for that today.:(

The Author

Posted: 04:16, 2008-Nov-8 by the_narrator

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THE MORAL POLICE: A NEW, "PROMISING CAREER" IN THIS COUNTRY???

Thanks to The Anti-Pornography Bill (recently passed last october 31 by The House of The "Representatives" in the government), there might possibly be a solution for unemployed, desperate Indonesians out there these days. Another new "promising" career related To The Bill? Yes. It is: being the moral police.

So, how to be a moral police? It's very easy:

1.You don't need to send your job resumes to any companies, firms, or corporations in this country. In fact, you don't even need your job resumes at all. Why? Because this is actually a freelance job, but supported by the government (through The Anti-Pornography Bill.) And yes, it can earn you more quick money than you can ever really imagine.

2.You decide your own working hours. When? It's up to you. It can also depend on how much money you actually need. You can work 24/7 as a gold-digger if you like.

3.Where must you start? Anywhere. Your neighbourhood, malls, parks, amusement parks, and maybe other tourists' attractions like the night-clubs, museums, traditional markets, and perhaps the beaches too. If you feel insecure about doing it alone, you can always team up with other people who share the same view as you do. The more the merrier, right? Nobody's going to accuse you for forming a "forbidden" party. (Well, even if yours is really a forbidden one, the government won't notice that so much.)

What are the good things about being the moral police?

1.You can play God. In fact, you can (keep pretending to) be Him for as long as you like. How? Just point your finger at those whom you consider "amoral/evil/obscene/pornographic". You can even curse or punish them all - in public if you need audience to watch you in action - the way you want to.

2.What if they wonder about your own moral values and true intentions? Don't worry. You can always pretend that you're the holiest. How? Just wear the "right" clothes, call out the "right" prayers, and condemn those you consider "amoral/evil/obscene/pornographic". How can you tell? Well, as long as they don't wear your favourite clothes, say your prayers, or even aren't like you at all - you can consider them all just the same. After all, that's the idea, right? Uniformity. You're lucky that your way is considered the perfect role model for others to follow - especially by force.

3.You're allowed to use violence in your mission, especially if they rebel against your preachings and warnings. You can destroy public properties without getting yourself arrested. You can even physically and mentally abuse other people and then just get away with it. People can hate you for that, but - don't worry - the government is always on your side, thanks to The Bill.

4.If you're secretly a serial rapist, The Anti-Pornography Bill can save you from criminal charges. How so? You can always blame your victims for making you feel aroused, even just by their own existence as human beings. You'll get double-satisfaction for that: giving into your lust without guilt or being arrested - and seeing the objects of your lust be put in jail. After all, you're the "real victim" here, right?

5.If you're secretly a serial killer, The Bill can give you valid, justifiable excuses for what you do. Just tell the local authorities that the reason you (have to) kill them is because they're being "amoral/evil/obscene/pornographic". End of story. Don't worry, you'll get full support from the government of this country itself.

So, is anyone interested? You can be rich in a quick way here. The good thing is, they don't even have to know (and question) about your real, moral values.

Little Ms.Sarcastic

Posted: 07:05, 2008-Nov-7 by the_narrator

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27-YEAR-OLD ME

So, I've finally turned 27 since yesterday. Yep. Happy birthday to me.
I know that I must sound more enthusiastic than this. But when you've reached 25 and over - it doesn't feel as earthshakingly important as it used to. (I don't know about most of you here, but maybe it's just me.*shrugs*) Especially when some people in this hometown just love bothering you about your single status.*sighs* So bloody typical.*rolls eyes*
Okay, so here are my happy thoughts to keep me sane enough these days:

1.I talked to Tiger last night, after what seemed like almost eternity.:D I don't know why, even after over four years, he still has this effect on me. What effect? Sweet dreams and comforting lullabys (like the ballad he sings.) Chocolate cake and ice cream. What do you think?;)

2.Nick sent me a happy birthday note too.:D Welcome to the world of 27, he wrote.*giggles*

3.All wishes from friends and families. (I'm so lucky!:D)

I guess God just wanted me to smile.:) But if you ask me what I'd love the most for my birthday gift this year, here's my answer:

No Stupid Bill (UU APP) in my country.:|

The Author

Posted: 08:15, 2008-Nov-5 by the_narrator

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MISINTERPRETED, MISUNDERSTOOD

Alright, let me get this straight. Before I carry on, I need to make sure that people don't get the wrong idea about me. Especially with what I've been writing lately.
First of all, I don't support pornography. I'm a woman too, for God's sake!:x I agree that it's morally disgusting and destructive. But that doesn't mean I'll just agree with The Stupid Pornography Bill (UU APP). Why? Once again, I'm telling you that their version of the pornography's definition is totally absurd and ridiculous. Don't believe me? :( Read http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2008/10/31/porn-bill-passed-despite-protests.html Go ahead. Just see that for yourself. Besides, I'm not all alone in this. Many smarter, more sensible and logical citizens here share the same page with me.
Of course, I'm not hesitant about reminding you this all over again. If the government's talking about stopping human trafficking and forced prostitutions, then I agree. (Besides, no normal human beings want to be prostitutes or sex slaves, right?) If they're talking about avoiding adult material contents in the media from becoming our younger children's daily consumptions, then they'll get my 100% support. But that's not exactly what they're really concerned with. That Stupid Bill mostly regulates about what women should "properly" (*scoffs*) wear, how to behave, what to write, watch, dance, etc. so that won't cause other people (well, I'm talking about men here :|) to feel lust. The problem is, what can make people feel lust? The answer can be very different from one person to another, right?
If they want to talk about morality, what about their constant corruption over citizens' money? They don't even support the educational system here completely. There are still extremely poor, uneducated people. (Sadly, the so-called educated people in the government choose to close their eyes and pretend they have other "more important" business to do - like This Stupid Bill, for example.)
If they want to talk about morality, they should do something about that sick 40-year-old dude from Semarang who married and has just recently divorced a 12-year-old girl, only because he's a "sheik". Why? Because the country's marriage law clearly states that a girl must be at least 18 to be legally wed. But no, they didn't do a damn thing about it. He just got away with what he did, while the girl's reputation is forever ruined. Did she really want that marriage? No, but her parents had forced her on that, especially since the guy's filthy rich.
In other words, they support a phedophile who's been hiding behind a religious shield - and that just makes me sick!:x

The Author

P.S:

Contentious articles in the porn bill:

1. Article 1: Definition
Pornography is drawings, sketches, illustrations, photographs, texts, voices, sound, moving pictures, animations, cartoons, poetry, conversations, gestures, or other forms of communicative messages through various kinds of media; and/or performances in front of the public, which may incite obscenity, sexual exploitation and/or violate moral ethics in the community.
Feared impact:
The definition is open to all kinds of interpretation, such as how to define gestures that incite obscenity or sexual exploitation, and will be subject to debate.

2. Articles 20-23: Public Participation
The public can play a role in preventing the production, distribution and use of pornography...by...(d) supervising people on the danger of pornography.
Feared impact:
This article could be used by certain groups to take the law into their own hands by attacking people they believe are violating the law.

3. Articles 8, 34, 36: Criminalization of victims
The articles threatens up to 10 years in prison or Rp 5 billion in fines for violators of the law.
Feared impact:
Artists or models in art shows or productions could be punished for their creativity.

Posted: 07:29, 2008-Nov-3 by the_narrator

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SCORNED...

Thankfully, I still wear my casual short-sleeves outdoor. And my jeans and capri pants too. I read regular fashion magazines. My long, dark wavy hair is still let loose by the wind.
I hope it'll stay that way. It's a civil right for any woman in Indonesia - and also in every part of the world - to feel free from fear, especially those created by the politically messed-up hypocrites!
Oh, heck. Whatever.*scoffs* I'm not really all alone in this, aren't I? I'm not the only one who totally disagree with The Stupid Bill (UU APP). Many citizens feel the same way about it as I do. But, does it matter? The House of The (So-Called) Representatives don't think so. Worst of all, they don't even give a shit about us - at all...and not even from the very beginning. Why bother? This is just another perfect way of extorting/robbing more money from the already struggling citizens. Give them no reasons to protest these stupid excuses...these dumb laws. Like it or not, they have to obey or pay, right? It doesn't matter if The HOR is obviously selling off some religious beliefs to mere politics and for more votes in the next presidential election on April 2009. (Well, guess what? I'm not going to vote for any of them - at all!) The smarter, more sensible and logical ones in this country already can tell. It has absolutely nothing to do with morality. Do you think they all know more about it themselves? They keep ignoring the real problems in this society: POVERTY! They're corrupting more money and everything here. But once again, they're way too hard-headed and arrogant, like stupid donkeys really are.*rolls eyes*
So, is there still hope for this country? I hope so. Everybody's telling me to keep the faith. Nothing's easy, I know.
But still, there are things I just can never forget about a couple of years ago - regarding this stupid bill:

1.The vice president Jusuf Kalla's harrassing statement: "Indonesia's women are only good as commodities for Middle Eastern men." I know he'd then publicly apologized for having said it and taken it back, but he should've thought about it first before opening his BIG, FAT MOUTH!:x

2.That pregnant lady in Tangerang, arrested one night just because they suspected she might've been a prostitute. They didn't give her a chance to explain and defend herself. They put her in jail and on trial the next day. Well, guess what? She was just a local, decent citizen on the way home from work that night. She's also a local teacher's wife. Yes, that's right, people. They'd falsely accused her - just because she was a woman.*scoffs*

FYI, I work at night too and Ciputat's actually the corner of...Tangerang. How scary is that?

3.Numerous harrassment cases on the bus in Jakarta and - get this - in front of University of Indonesia in Salemba. Two bearded guys in white were verbally attacking some local young girls whom they'd thought of as "improperly-dressed" (regular shirts , T-shirts, and jeans?? Give me a Goddamned break here!!:x)

"How can we win
when fools can be kings?
Don't waste your time
or time will waste you..."

("KNIGHTS OF CYDONIA" by.MUSE)

The Author

Posted: 09:54, 2008-Nov-2 by the_narrator

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THE RISE OF HYPOCRICY

"We may have lost the battle, but we must win the war."
Will the judicial review to The Highest Supreme Court (Mahkamah Agung) of this country prevent such a stupid bill (UU APP) from ruling this already too fucked up country? Obviously, The House of The (So-Called) Representatives have made an overly biased, unfair decision when they decided to pass it. Many contents of the bill can easily be multi-interpreted by those with ill-intentions for extortion. I mean, who knows? Judging the situation these days, it's possible. I'm not joking here.
But hey, the supporters of The Stupid Bill think that we're just being paranoid. They say we have absolutely nothing to fear here. (Oh, really?*sneers*) Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* How the hell can they ever really prove that?

1.They're supported by hardliners acting like a bunch of Nazi's gestapos - all with their bats, bricks, swords, etc - all claiming that their violent act is always, ALWAYS justifiable and in the name of God and morality.

2."If our husbands are (exposed to) pornography then our families will be destroyed."
I've gotten that response from Jakarta Post (http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2008/10/30/house-passes-controversial-antiporn-bill.html?page=2) . Want to know what I think? BIG, FAT BULLSHIT! What can you really expect from most men? You're talking about their natural instinct here. When there's a will, there's a way. (Don't they know a shit about 'pornography's underground trading'?*rolls eyes*) And it's like, they defend all lecherous creeps and rapists out there. If the husband's cheating on the wife, just blame it on that too sexy slut who seduces him. If he rapes someone, blame the pornographic video. It's like...man, where's his responsibility for his own actions? What a total shame and disgrace!:(

3."Now our children are safe," said Lasmiantini, chairwoman of Salima's Bekasi chapter.
Ha-ha.*big evil grin* They said nothing when that 40-year-old sick dude of a cleric married a 12-year-old and then just simply divorced her after public humiliation. Did he go to jail? No. Despite my country's marriage law that obviously states that a girl must be at least 18 to get married, he could get away with what he did. He'd successfully screwed up that poor little girl's future. (And her parents are also cruel enough to have sold her off like that for money!:x)

"Tuhan Tahu, Tapi Menunggu" (God Knows, Yet He Awaits - until the moment is right) - Andrea Hirata, in his second novel "Sang Pemimpi" (The Dreamer)
But please, God - don't take too long...:'-(

The Author

Posted: 08:15, 2008-Oct-31 by the_narrator

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DEATH TO "BHINNEKA TUNGGAL IKA"???

I've been having the same nightmares lately. It's kind of gory. It's taken the solace off my sleep. I've become the same old, insomniac me again.
But the strange thing is, I'm not really scared of that nightmare. It's like, I'm already anticipating that kind of (scary) possibility. It's a warning sign. I must be prepared.
You must protect yourself in this country, because - let's just face it - nobody else is going to do that to you. You're on your own.
And those perverted hypocrites in the government of this country?:x They can all go to fucking hell with their obviously, overly-biased, absurd, and misogynicistic pornography bill (UU APP). Yes, people. Let the terror of subjectivity begin. The worst nightmare in this country is about to come to life. No, I'm not kidding you. It's about to really happen.
The shallow-minded fanatics have won.*rolls eyes* Soon they'll take over this country and start filling the public places with tyranny. No more space for everybody, unless if you obey them. No more air to breathe freely for women, because there'll be treated like sitting ducks for coward snipers or worse...pieces of meat for DOGS out there. (And no, I'm not talking about the four-footed K-9s here!)
Now I realise that I'm also endangering myself by writing the truth here. I'm well-aware of that these days. So, I'm doing this while I still can. If you don't get to hear from me in a very, very long time - that can possibly mean something's happening. No, I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just reading the signs a lot earlier than most poor, gullible, naive souls out there really do. Danger. Death to democracy and tolerance of pluralism here in this country. Welcome to hypocricy. Just feed us to the blind fanatics' constant terror and intimidation and then see what happens next. Then we all may see if they're satisfied and happy with the result from playing God to other mortals.
But I'm not afraid. I have zero respect for cowards, hypocrites, and even the combination of both, remember? So, they can all do just whatever the hell they like to me, but that can only prove something: They're nothing but such pathetic weaklings! They can arrest me or even kill me, I don't care. I shall never obey the corruptive hypocrites in the government!
If they only want to limit the adult media contents from the children, then I agree. As a woman, I'm not that happy with pornography. They want to stop human trafficking, go ahead. But here, they choose to meddle in with other people's personal business/privacy. I mean, just who the hell are they to judge others as amoral and lecture others about morality? I mean, seriously. Do they even know the meaning of the word? They say they only want to protect women and children with that? Well, bullshit!:x They just want more money and power, but they're too much of hypocrites to admit that. Just who the fuck are they trying to kid, anyway? Not all Indonesians are that dumb and shallow (and perverted too!) until they need such absurd guidance on how to behave well. Goddamn it! Do they even know the real definition of 'pornography'? They even created their own, absurd version of it. Talk about dumbass hypocrites acting like holy saints!
Do they think all women in scanty-clothings and who are out on the streets at night alone are amoral sluts? Just give me a Goddamned break here! How fucking shallow can they all be? Is the male-ego seriously bloated here? (I'm sorry if I start sounding like a man-hater here, but I have my reasons these days!)
I've dreamed of being attacked out on the streets at night alone. I kill them all. Murder's in my head these days, and I believe that self-defense is not murder.
I'm seriously thinking about getting a short haircut like I used to long ago. Why? I don't want to look beautiful anymore - not if that'll only give them an excuse to rape me, and then end up blaming me for it...:'-(

The Author

Bhinneka Tunggal Ika: united in diversity

Posted: 10:06, 2008-Oct-30 by the_narrator

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CAUSE AND RESULT...:P

These are the things that made you show up seriously late for your very important, 9 am FCE class:

1.Your last class last night ended at nine. You came home very late - at sometime around 10 or 10:30.

2.You've been staying up late all night long - until sleep finally took over your conscience at sometime around two. Why? You were waiting until everyone in the house fell asleep. You've been needing more quiet time and solitude these days, just to get yourself concentrate on work. Having six people at home is not that easy. Sometimes, it just takes up your personal space. It can drive you crazy too, especially if it gets too much and you've been a private person for most of your life. But hey, "CSI:NY" was on. (Naughty.*big evil grin*) So your attention was divided in between work and catching up with their latest (fictional) case on screen. Haha. No wonder, no surprise with the counter-productivity.:P

3.You woke up late. (Once again, no wonder and no surprise. Hehe.*big evil grin*) You've done everything as quick as possible that morning. In order to save what was left of your salary (well, at least before another pay-day :P), you decided to hop on a ride from somebody at home. It's actually okay, as long as you're not with the kind of people who hardly mind being "fashionably late" (until now, you still don't understand what it really means :-S or maybe you're just being a cynic). Otherwise, it's a big mistake!:|

4.In Jakarta, there's always this huge, hellish bitch on the street called: The Horrible Traffic!:x This morning, you had to deal with it. Welcome to the big, city real life. The only thing you should've done from the very beginning was actually...well, I think you could already tell from this partly silly-sounding list.:P

5.As soon as you reached your stop, you quickly got off the car and hailed a cab nearby instead. Worst of all, as you got in, you tripped over the pavement - a your right arm bumped against the hood. And you thought that it was going to leave a big, blue mark (a.k.a the swelling) right there.

*rolls up sleeve*
Yep, it's right there. The bruise.

6.In the end, you showed up half an hour late with two things you most acknowledged about yourself that session: hungry and embarrassed - especially since it was already your third time being late.*blushes*

Next time, no more excuses.

The Author

Posted: 08:50, 2008-Oct-29 by the_narrator

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SO SICK...

So many things to do these days. So little time. How classic. My time management's been so lousy.:(*blushes* I've even screwed up my sleeping pattern again. So many things in my head. I know that I must do selective worrying, but it's just not that easy these days. Many things I dread about:

1.The TOEFL test result on Tuesday.*gulps* Will it be good enough for my FLTA early selection?

2.The FLTA selection. I must succeed if I want to go to USA for nine months!

3.The presentation workshop on December 6.:| They've already asked me to prepare, while I'm still not doing any real thing about it yet. I mean, I've found a good source from the internet. But still, I haven't done the next moves for this project. Yikes!

4.Speaking of December, I also haven't finished translating the script somebody gave me. (Oh, yeah. Now I have a side-job as an interpreter/translator.)

5.I must get out of here soon - to avoid the nasty effects from The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) if it's ever legalized.*rolls eyes*

..........................
*deep sigh*
Last Saturday, I hung out with Jules and Nez again. We visited FX Building in Senayan and then Grand Indonesia. We ate too much too.:P
Things have been pretty shitty in this country lately.:( Aside from the stupid government still pushing The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) to be passed, there's been this sick, twisted 40-year-old dude from Singapore using his "sheik" title for this kind of benefit:
Marrying a 12-year-old girl. No shit. And he's proudly announced that he'll add more wives soon - a nine-year-old and seven. How sick is that??*scoffs*
Shame on you. You're just the same as those perverted hypocrites in the government - or even worse. You've cruelly cut down the innocent little girls' future. You know schools here just don't accept married young girls. Didn't you know that she cried when she had to drop out and say goodbye to her teachers and friends? Don't you even care??
No, you can never be like The Holy Prophet Muhammad. You're not even that close, because you just make me sick. You barely understand his reasons - long, long time ago...

The Author

Posted: 08:48, 2008-Oct-27 by the_narrator

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THE SHORT TERM BREAK

Last Saturday afternoon, I fell asleep on the way home. The public minivan I was in almost took me far down inside Bintaro! I jolted awake and quickly yelled at the driver to stop. Then I jumped off and paid the fare. I had to retrace the route under the damn scorching sun for a few miles in a couple of hours. Some walk...*rolls eyes*
When I couldn't stand the super heat anymore, I stopped by at a quiet dine-in around Arteri Bintaro. I didn't order anything but Coke with ice. (Fyi, I rarely drink soda - only on certain occassions or when it's just so freaking hot outside!) I'd already had lunch at my office with Lisa. I just sat there, waiting with my Coke until the heat slowly subsided as the sun went down. The indoor AC felt really good.:) They also had this pile of old books I could read for free. I just picked "The New Evil" by.R.L.Stine - the kind I used to often read back when I was still in middle school. (But I'm still a horror fan, although not as much as I was.) One of my night-class students simply lent me an interesting biography called "Jangan Bunuh Obama!" (Don't Kill Obama!) by.Hermawan Aksan. But I didn't feel like reading anything heavy that afternoon. (In other words, save it for later, I'd told myself.) My head was already too full of heavy thoughts. Selective worrying?:| I really wish I could do that right now. Especially since I've just found out that when Martin Luther King Jr.was shot dead, the coroner doctor found out that his heart had looked like the one that usually belongs to a sixty-year-old man. King was 39.
Wow.
Well, I spent an hour and a half online after that. I chatted with Patrick for a while.:) He said he'd just shopped in Senayan City for work clothes. Debenhams offered discounts up to 70%.
I still wonder just how my dear friend Patrick manages to maintain his good mood and positivity. The first time I met him, I'd only thought of him as this sweet, charming, happy-go-lucky kind of guy. He smiled a lot too. But then, after some time, I've learned that he too has his impatience with things in life sometimes.:P Now that we're both English teachers, we kind of understand each other more.
I blacked out for the rest of Saturday night. No kidding.:( It was the damn heat-stroke, I believe. Mom said that I could hardly wake up completely, so she left me all alone that night. I even skipped dinner.
On Sunday, we went to Dad's relatives' in East Jakarta.
On Monday, I checked the office for my new classes this term.
Okay, I've finally done my TOEFL test at AMINEF yesterday afternoon. I'm not going to fret about it anymore.:P I believe I've done my best.
Now, we'll just wait and see.;)

The Author

Posted: 08:56, 2008-Oct-22 by the_narrator

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THESE (HECTIC) DAYS...

I didn't get to visit AMINEF last Monday like I'd already planned earlier.:( I woke up late because I was tired. I think I've screwed up my sleeping pattern again.*yawns* I need more coffee than I really should...
So I just went to my old college in Depok. What for? To have my already translated diploma legalized by the faculty. But then, guess what? The guy behind the counter said that mine wasn't (considered) valid enough. He wanted me to do it all over again. (WHAT?!) Have it done by the official faculty translator, I mean. Duh.:| No choice but to have to obey. I don't want to get myself in serious trouble, although The Singaporean Embassy didn't have any problem with my old translated diploma. (Sometime ago, I applied for a scholarship in Singapore too.) In the end, they only rejected me because I was just way too old for their scholarship program.
Tuesday and Wednesday were dead hectic. Report card days.:P My lousy time management also took part in it.*blushes* How come? I'd put away what I could've finished earlier (and faster too!) - all in the name of giving in to my own laziness. So, tell me something here, folks.:P If the teacher is being a slacker here, then what do you think is going to happen to the students? Figures.
My FCE class was very interesting on Wednesday morning. First, I just received my last essay. The teacher gave me an A-.:D Yippee! (But still, I must be extra careful - even with my minor mistakes I still tend to make quite often - next time!) We discussed about conditionals - the first, second, third, and mixed (a combination between the third and second.) I could just give you some examples here:

"If I pass the AMINEF selection, I'll work in America." (First Conditional)

Personally, I feel that the word 'if' doesn't sound convincing and optimistic.:| There's hardly ever any willpower in it. I prefer 'when':

"When I pass the AMINEF selection, I'll work in America."

Right. Now that sounds much better.:)
What about the second conditional?

"If Nick were here, I'd hug him.":(

Why? Because his arms have shown me one of the safest places possible. I just miss his warmth...:(:(
*deep sigh*

"If the vice principal hadn't stopped me from jumping off the school building, I would've successfully committed suicide." (Third Conditional)

Just something from the past, back when I was still that overly-sensitive fourteen-year-old chubby girl. I hope I didn't scare anyone off in that class with that when I said that...

"If I'd successfully jumped off the school building, I wouldn't be here to share you this story." (Mixed Conditional)

Okay, enough said.
On Thursday, I finally visited AMINEF to register for my TOEFL test on Tuesday. Thank God.:D
On Friday, I returned to Depok. Thankfully, I could hand in the old copies of my diploma and grade transcripts to the faculty to have them re-translated into English as they wished. They said I could transfer the fee into their bank account. However, the nearest bank was already closed. I was too late. Next Monday, they said.
Okay. There's still time, I know. The deadline for the completed papers is November 1.
I didn't do much today. Just replacing Via in her private class. I think I'm just going to spend the rest of today at home. Sleeping.
I need that. No kidding.:|

The Author

Posted: 04:09, 2008-Oct-18 by the_narrator

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DIZZINESS AND SPICES...:|

I think a lot about everything. I worry too much.
I know. I must stop myself.:|
I don't know. Maybe that's just because of the exam week at the institution I work in (although it's very clear that I'm not doing the examination - just correcting.:P Strange, huh?) I feel like I have so many things to do but so little time. My time management sucks.:( I feel like I'm being chased by demons again. The deadline's getting closer than ever...
(Right, you might wonder what deadline I'm talking about - especially if this is the very first entry you've ever read in here.:P)
*deep sigh*
For the past three days, I've been having a terrible headache. Why? Maybe it's the damn heat-stroke. I mean, it's October and it's supposed to rain. Well, it did in some days - although I must say it was very short and also little. Most of the time, it's just freaking hot outside. It feels like all hells break loose, so hot that your brain feels as crispy as fried beef-bacon.:P
..........................
*looks at the last typed sentence*
Alright, I was just being a little too much about it.:P But hey, you know what I mean, right? Global warming. This planet is seriously ill. The world is literally a ticking time bomb.
In other words, it's dying. And so are we - each of us - one by one. Little by little. No joke. After all, nothing lasts forever.
My terrible headache started on Thursday. It was actually a migraine on my left side of head. I'm well-aware that I haven't really been eating well. Most of my choices were unhealthy.*blushes* Plus, I've been slowly gaining more weight again. That sucks. I can't believe that I've just simply let myself slide that easily again. I'm recklessly increasing my cholesterol level here...:(
Okay, enough. It's time to put a stop to that - once and for all.:x (And yes, I'm a little angry at myself right now.)
By the time I went home, my migraine had gone worse I couldn't sleep well that night. I ended up watching two horror reruns on TV. Stephen King's "Sleepwalkers" and a British classic "Haunted". Both are my personal favourites.:) Young Brian Krause in "Sleepwalkers" and Kate Beckinsale paired up with Aidan Quinn in a haunted mansion.:P (Btw, have you seen this one yet, Tiger?;) I know that Kate's your favourite girl. I'm sure you'll like her in it too, because she looked so elegant.)
Anyway, I finally fell asleep at sometime around three.
On Friday, the migraine somehow migrated to the right side of my head. No kidding.:P I attended our receptionist Ria's wedding at Bintaro in midday with the other co-workers. It was an outdoor celebration and the weather was oh-so-freaking hot.:( I could only eat a little because of my migraine.
At night, I couldn't take the pain anymore.:( I went to have dinner with Jules, Nez, my almost twin Wahyu (even his long-term girlfriend had thought so too when we first met *big evil grin*), and his girlfriend of ten years Mira. The restaurant is called "Sambal Desa" (Village Spices). It's in Bintaro, South Jakarta. I had to buy aspirin at another store next to the restaurant.
Thankfully, by the time I got home, I simply crashed fast and hard.:P Zzz...
On Saturday, I'd planned to finish correcting the exams. But then, Lisa asked me to join her and the others to our fellow teacher Putu's second son's birthday in Tanjung Mas, Lenteng Agung (L.A.:P) I know, I'm a sucker for free meals.*big evil grin* So I went there with Lisa, Via, Sika, and Dee by cab. We spent our afternoon there - eating mega spicy Balinese meals and drinking cold fruit punch. (Thank God for the drink!*sighs*) We also played with Putu's third baby daughter Tiara. She's a cute, one-moht-old bundle of joy - a perfect arrival for this imperfect world...
Anyway, I think the mega spicy Balinese meals had almost killed me.:( No, seriously. They said my face was seriously red hot, as if burning from the inside. I was also sweating really bad and even crying...but definitely not from the emotions. It was just the spicy food, okay?
Then the girls started joking about me having to avoid guys who like my spicy food for my future husband.*big evil grin* They even listed it down for me:
"Hmm, let's see...Acehnese...Padangese...definitely not Balinese too...Indian...Pakistani..."
"Hey, wait a minute!" I protested, but they all just laughed in unison.
Does that mean I must say no if Tiger suddenly proposes?:P (Haha, like it will ever happen in the near future! Just kidding, Tiger. You know how good friends really are.*bats my eyelashes at you*)
After that, Via's husband picked us up and drove us out of L.A. (Haha!) Then Dee and I ended the day at Cilandak Townsquare. We mostly just spent (or wasted, perhaps??:P) our time roaming around before she finally suggested that I try the yummiest cake at "Secret Recipe". So I did. She recommended Carrot Slice, so that's what I ordered. How was it? Super yummy.:P:D Hehe. The carrot slices, the walnuts, and especially the sweet, cream cheese on top. I'd like to taste it again some other time.
By the time I got home, my headache was worse...again. This time, both sides got the share of the same pain.:( I went straight to bed after taking another pill. Was it from another heat-stroke? Mom suspected that it might've possibly been from my physical reaction after having eaten the mega spicy food. (Yikes!) I must be extra careful with myself next time. Watch out for my own health. For my sake, that is.
Tomorrow, I must visit AMINEF.

The Author

Posted: 07:48, 2008-Oct-12 by the_narrator

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WHY I NEED THE FULBRIGHT'S FLTA (FOREIGN LANGUAGE TEACHING ASSISTANT) SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM

WHY I NEED THE FULBRIGHT'S FLTA (FOREIGN LANGUAGE TEACHING ASSISTANT) SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM

by.

RUBY ASTARI

My name is Ruby Astari. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia. As a part-time English teacher, I work in ILP (International Language Program) Ciputat in South Jakarta. I've been teaching there for five months.
As a freelance writer, I work independently. I know that I still haven't made much from my writings yet, but that just doesn't stop me. I mostly write fiction, but I'm also still learning to write feature articles and essays. I love languages and literature.
Why do I need the Fulbright's FLTA (Foreign Language Teaching Assistant) Scholarship Program? As we're all already aware of, without languages, there'll be no communication.
Although I'm an English teacher for Indonesian students, I'm genuinely curious about teaching my own language (Bahasa Indonesia) to other people - especially foreigners. Which one is more challenging and difficult? I keep silently wondering about it. I have several American friends who have been living in Jakarta for several years. Some of them are learning Bahasa Indonesia too - especially in order to be able to communicate with the locals here more easily.
One day, a guy named Patrick asked me, "Why is it 'setia kawan', not 'kawan 'setia'? I thought 'setia' was the adjective."
(Setia kawan = loyal friends / an attitude that describes one's loyalty to friends.)
Unfortunately, at that time, I couldn't give him a satisfactory answer beside: "Because that's just how it is." Then I realized one thing. I've been taking my own language for granted. If we tend to accept everything as it is without really understanding its meaning and purposes, then how can we teach other people something?
In college, I took three years of studying broadcasting and journalism. That's why I believe that the FLTA Program fits with my previous education background and also current profession. It's also important for me to gain more knowledge and experiences. After all, that's how people grow properly.
What are my future plans? Aside from introducing Bahasa Indonesia more to the world as a fun, foreign language - I also want to introduce my country's real cultural heritage. Some people still have trouble separating the difference between Indonesia and Malaysia, especially since we almost speak the similar language. That's also my mission to clarify.

The Author

Posted: 10:50, 2008-Oct-9 by the_narrator

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THE LAST DAY OF HOLIDAY

Well, the holiday week's finally over.:| It's time to get back to work. I must face it.
So, it's only revision tests, revision lessons, final tests, until finally...report cards.:D Then, another week of term break before a new one starts again.
So, what did I do on the last day of this (public) Eid holiday? I took another lonely walk at around my favourite spot in South Jakarta: Blok M.:) I know that I've been around with him there too so many times while he was still here. But I chose not to give in to my stupid sentimentality. I've simply told myself: "Not today." No way. Besides, I've got something to do. A visit to the cybercafe to work on the scholarship form. I also bought the latest issue of SPICE!:) Having fun all alone. No problem. It was just me and my grey backpack, hehe.:P I wouldn't let anybody - and anything - bother me so much.
I know, I still have a lot to do, including with left-overs from work. Well, at least I'm not a full-time teacher there. I'm the kind to explore another opportunity too - not the one getting stuck behind the freaking desk all the time!

The Author

Posted: 11:32, 2008-Oct-5 by the_narrator

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HOLE-HEARTED...

Right, where do I start?
I was very relieved and happy last Monday.:) I went to see a local movie with my friend Nez. It was "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers) - based on a national best-selling nonfiction novel of the same title by Andrea Hirata, an author from the island of Belitong. It's a true story about ten poor children from Belitong (one of them was little Andrea) struggling for a more decent life while pursuing higher education - something which is supposed to be rightfully theirs but difficult to earn, due to economical issues and class discrimination. It's an amazing story about life, honour, friendship, and love. It's very inspiring. It also reminds us - the lazy rich brats - of the things we often still take for granted, mostly just because we're lucky with more money.:P I don't mean to sound really sarcastic about this, but oftentimes...that's just the plain truth.*shrugs*
And that movie has just given me another reason to pursue that teaching scholarship to The States.:D You know what they say: Grab it while you still get the chance. Good opportunities hardly come that often again.:P
After all, I'm lucky enough to even just give it a shot or two.;)
My best friend Hani actually has been wanting to see that movie too (she's a major fan of Andrea Hirata's works, anyway.) But she said she'd wait until after Eid holiday. She said I could watch it first. Okay.*shrugs*
Anyway, it was a fun, relaxing day.:) I forgot all my troubles for a while. Since I wasn't fasting, I ate lunch with her at Wendy's in Bintaro Plaza first. (Nez's a Catholic.) Then, after the movie, we had dinner outside, at one of the food vendors nearby. I love seafood, but maybe I haven't eaten any in a long time - my allergy was acting out!:( After a plate of boiled clams and spicy Padangese sauced- squids, my face began to itch like crazy. (Or maybe the food was already a little...off.*cringes* Eww.) I had to go home quick for my meds after that.
On Tuesday, I didn't feel like going anywhere. I just called The AMINEF's Jakarta headquarter for information about their TOEFL test schedule. And yes, it's for the scholarship application too. One of the girls I met during my training month - Ocha - once worried about my responsibility with the office I still work in, knowing that I've just started my two-year contract. Well, I thought I could extend it a little longer before going back to finish it. (FYI, the teaching scholarship program only lasts for nine months at the US, or unless I can get a three-million to bail me out of work contract too - but what for??) Besides, if my principal had worried about me leaving without finishing the contract, then he wouldn't have written a generously positive letter of recommendation for Lisa and me in the first place. (Btw, Lisa's in it too!) I know about work ethics, believe me. Some of them say I'm pretty strict about following the rules.
Well, if I get it, then the contract will have to be postponed and extended. I guess it's pretty simple.*shrugs*
How was my Eid holiday? Cool, I guess. Hecticly busy, as usual. That's just how it usually works here in every other year, I guess. Visiting relatives. Helping Mom with her cooking. Eating. What else?
On Wednesday, my brother and I helped Mom with her cooking in the afternoon. It was a busy day, so I had no time to do something else. But somehow, I felt relaxed too. Maybe it was the holiday mood.
At night, we visited Uncle Marik and Aunt Susi's house in Pejaten, South Jakarta. Uncle Marik's a handsome, sweet, and funny Dutch man.:) He also likes collecting artsy stuff, so I found his large living room a cool resemblance to a small gallery. The swimming pool also looks tempting.
I looked at my Dutch uncle and couldn't help but thinking about my grand aunt Rin - all alone in Surabaya right now. I often remind myself of her sad story when she was much younger:
Grand Aunt Rin once fell in love with a German guy. But unfortunately, her family had been a very strict and uptight Javanese, Muslim kind. They'd disapproved of her relationship with him very strongly, and her stubborn, rebellious attitude had fought back: Nobody else but him.
And she'd really meant it.:| No other men since then. No marriage. It's just her - The Eternal Ms.Independent.
There was another thing she said to me during my sister's wedding reception last July. We were in the middle of the crowd, but they hardly listened to us. I told her about Nick. He'd just left and I found it really unbearable, though I knew I had to pretend that I was okay.
"Don't end up like me," she said with obvious sadness in her eyes. "Please, just don't end up like me or you'll be very sorry."
At that time, I felt seriously choked up on the inside - but still forced myself not to cry. (Or else my heavy make-up would've streaked and run!) I just hugged her close, knowing how we actually resemble each other quite much. Our hair, our faces, smiles, and even our stubborness. That's what they all say.
In other words, Grand Aunt Rin is like the very much older version of me. How scary. No joke, despite the fact that she's always been a nice old lady to me. Very smart too.She's also crazy about travelling and literature.
When I told Mom about that, she surprised me with this reply: "She never shared that with anyone. Looks like you were the first and only one."
Really?!:O
When Aunt Susi and Uncle Marik got married, they seemed to be okay with that. Nobody bothers so much about whether he's converted or not. Nobody. All they know and care about is that the two look great and happy together. That's all.
Which makes me often silently wonder:
(Something that maybe I shouldn't do at all...:|)
What would happen...what if...
...the tomboy and the redhead prince...
If only I had my guts, but would it still be right?
(Oh, Nick-ku.:( I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you with this kind of issue...)
*deep sigh*
I'm fed up with this city. I need to escape, temporarily that is. (I'm not the one to run away forever!) Everywhere I go reminds me of him and that beautiful sunny June. It hurts. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie about this. I miss him terribly. I still love him. I really do. I've shared him my world here, and now it feels empty without his existence. Even my own room. Yeah, I'm afraid to fall asleep - even in my own room - these days. In fact, I don't want to sleep - eventhough I'm terribly tired. I need to stay awake to keep myself sane (although it's no longer 100%!)
It's very simple. I don't want to have to see him in my dreams and then wake up crying again, just because he's not around anymore. That just sucks!:'-(
I also got a missed call on my cellphone that night. A random number that I couldn't call back nor leave a text. Strange area code number. Was it him? Could it be him? (Did I want it to be him, remembering that he'd still cared enough to text me a "Happy Eid" last year - even before we met face-to-face for real?)
I must stop doing this to myself.:| Enough. I want my old self back, no matter how cynical she was. I don't want to be this emotionally clingy.:( Where's the Ms.Independent in me? Where's she gone? I badly need her to keep me strong.
Strangely, they said I seemed a lot happier and more relaxed when he was around. I also sounded less bitter about life.
I'll never be the same again.
But still, I can never blame him for any of this. Why? None of us ever promise each other anything. And I can never hate him for real. After all, he's been good to me. He's accepted me for who I am, the way Tiger always does.;) He's also encouraged me to stay brave, eventhough the world is still full of patriarchism and all its shit.
And I know it's bloody difficult to really get over a long-distant girlfriend who once promised him forever, and then simply ditched him for another guy.:(
So please, tell me, God. If I've made the right decision of letting him go like this (especially since I have to), then why am I still feeling so hollow?

The Author

Posted: 04:10, 2008-Oct-5 by the_narrator

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AN OLD NIGHTMARE REVISITED

I couldn't sleep well last night.:( I guess my insomnia's been slowly crawling back at me. My sleep was restless and full of strange dreams. Nightmares, to be exact, the kind that almost made it hard for you to wake up completely.
I'd finally fallen asleep at sometime around one, I guess. Then there was this dream. I was being chased after by a bunch of rowdy...shadows. Dark, figureless shadows yelling at me as they ran. I picked up speed as fast as I could, although my lungs felt as if they were about to burst. I was clearly hyperventilating. I was also sweating.
But mostly, I was scared.:( I felt threatened.
Somehow, I found him again - sitting on the floor, just a few feet away from me. He was looking down, his soft red hair hanging down above his face. I called out to him and he looked up at me. But strangely, his smoky-blue eyes seemed cold, distant, and hollow. They looked as if they weren't staring at me - at all.
I came closer and my head suddenly bumped against something hard. Ouch! An invisible wall? No. A thick, glass wall.
Behind me, the rowdy gang of figureless shadows were getting closer. I looked back at him and started tapping on the glass wall, clearly asking him to help me to find a way out of here - together. (Somehow, I sensed that those mean, insignificant creatures were dangerous for him too!) But unfortunately, he remained still as a statue. I began to panic.
I'm in grave danger, I thought. Then I started pounding on the glass wall as hard as I could. I kept calling out to him, practically begging him to help me. But he just looked at me blankly. I couldn't read his expression at all. I started to cry. My fists began to sting like hell but I didn't stop pounding harder.
"Hey, please get me out of here!"
Then the glass wall cracked a little, but didn't break. Not at all. I could see my knuckles bleeding, but I didn't stop. I didn't want to. I couldn't.
I didn't want them to get me...
But when they finally did, I heard some of them screech horribly...
...Which turned out to be my alarm clock.
I heard that the stupid government here is still pushing The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) to pass...sometime around October.:| Next month. It looks like they won't give a shit at all about what most citizens here really think of that. They said that there'd still be revisions on that draft, regarding the people's protests. (Ugh!) But what they don't even want to know is that we don't want any more of this crap pursued. Enough! I mean, we still have more serious issues to handle immediately here (like POVERTY, for example?*rolls eyes*) and they even suck ass at dealing with it.
And seriously, I don't need to put up with all that bullshit. They call that a "Ramadan gift"? Oh, screw them! Just give me a Goddamned break here!*scoffs* I'd call eradicating corruption and poverty a much better gift for this already too messed-up country.
That's why I refuse to buy their crap of morality talk.*rolls eyes*

The Author

Posted: 07:37, 2008-Sep-28 by the_narrator

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THE DREAM

I've heard that scientists say that - each time we fall asleep - we dream seven times. But we can only remember one - the last before we finally wake up.
I shouldn't have let myself fall asleep again right after my morning prayer.:|
I saw him again. In my dream, that is. He was here again, just like in June. He still had the same soft red hair, melodramatic smoky-blue eyes, and the same sweet smile I truly miss. My family were smiling at him too. Although the sky was dark outside, I felt happiest. I could see my own beaming face and smile. He held my hand (or I held his, I don't know) as we walked together. We said goodnight to my family. We went into my room. No, we didn't do anything nasty in there.*big evil grin* In fact, we never did when he was still here. He was always respectful of me.:) He was always the gentleman, eventhough we were alone in a room. With him, I'd always felt safe.
We just looked at his laptop, giggling at the pics of Hilary (his beloved kitty!), listening to his mp3 collection...talking. Just like before. I leant on his shoulder and closed my eyes...
...Then I woke up feeling empty. I was glad that everybody had left this morning, so no one had to see me cry. But not for long, knowing I had to attend another internal training before work.
God, I miss him so...:'-(

The Author

Posted: 10:29, 2008-Sep-25 by the_narrator

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